Closure

I feel like we have some closure. We finally heard from the coroner, who explained as best as he could what happened with Autumn.

The summary of the last few days after speaking to the coroner, my midwife, my GP, and the NICU paediatrician (I’ve been busy):

• Her lungs did not develop properly. There is no name or diagnosis for what happened, or why, but this was the root cause of her death.
• It was a snowball effect: the lung issue was the catalyst for the pulmonary hypertension and hemorrhage, which led to cardiac arrest and brain death.
• There is likely nothing that could have been done, and certainly not without knowing in advance that there was an issue.
• There was no found genetic link so we are not more likely than any other couple to experience the same thing again.
• The hospital and SickKids did everything in their power to save her, and everyone was baffled at how all of their interventions failed.
• This has impacted everyone greatly, including the NICU paediatrician who has had nightmares about that night. Autumn will not soon be forgotten by anyone who was involved.

I didn’t expect the final result to be so healing. For the first time last night I was able to go into Autumn’s room and spend time in there, looking through all of the clothes that had been hung up and put away. The day after her death we moved all of the baby things around the house into her room because it was too painful to look at it – now I’m ready to remove all the items that don’t belong in her room (the stroller, the playpen, the exersaucer) and put her room back the way it was when we left for the hospital. I know she’s not coming back, but it feels right to at least do that for now.

Also, I am not pregnant. BUT I am thinking positively and expecting this to be the month. I am going to channel my inner Oprah and visualize a positive pregnancy test until I get one. And also I’m doing what I can to help things along: the usual tracking and timing and ensuring the best possible conception environment. I’ve even started doing yoga daily to help alleviate stress (I avoid exercise like the plague usually).